I'm never...

going to think about Ben again. I stupidly texted him, whoops.
No response, figures.

Love boys....





Later that day,
Okay he actually replied.
:)

Almost 3 weeks in...

Well let me start off with how much I enjoy being at college. This feeling of being on my own feels so rewarding and I can't wait to carry on the responsibility of becoming a full blown adult. I'm not at all home sick, and I even slip and call my suite home. Because it truly does feel like home. Staying out late is something I never really had much of at my actual home because of my mom's strict curfew. But now, I'm experiencing this freedom and I adore that!
At college I've made a lot of friends, but not exactly the people I want to be friends with throughout my whole college experience. My core friend group is: Brian, Noam, Katie, Luke, and Carly. Out of all these people, I do want to hang with them, but Luke is probably the most like me. So he can search with me to find my "true" friend group. I really want it. The only reason why I'm bringing that up and not just blowing it over my head is because my friends Carly and Brian are becoming an item... Kill me. I was the third wheel today and I did not enjoy it at all. Like really, I'm in the room with them and they are kissing and stuff. And when I would say, " Hey I think I'm going to leave.." they both would reply, "Nooooo! Stay!" I'm sorry, but I can't stay close with them much longer. I guess I'm just frustrated because I went to Berkeley this weekend, and found everyone there liked the same music as I did, had adorable style, and I could have an intelligent conversation with them. You have no idea how many people here misuse "good" and "well." It literally haunts me, being the grammar nazi. It's just really annoying because now I feel like I belong there. The city San Jose is wonderful don't get me wrong, but Berkeley and SF is where I belong for my young adulthood.
These almost 3 weeks of being in college have already left me in a state of confusion with what I should do about San Jose and future. Do I want to pursue a more artsy future or a common job. I just don't know.
Let me move on to how I think I met this perfect guy, that might as well just not exist. Once again my ideal guy (that I can't stop thinking about) I met in Berkeley. Not in San Jose. A little background of this man is: he's 22, graduated a year ago from Berkeley, and with my luck is moving to Italy for a year in October. Great. This guy is down to earth, has amazing taste in music, beautiful, great kisser, and is intelligent. But of course, our one nighter thing is over with. When I usually hook up with guys, I get over it completely and don't care about anything. But for some reason, I'm not with him. It could of been the fact, that he was calling me gorgeous all the time, or how he said I had a great personality, or how he said I made his night, (list goes on) how he said he feels nervous or maybe even intimidated by me, or maybe how he said he wasn't expecting anything of the night (meaning hook up), etc. But literally this guy was a sweet talker. I couldn't quite read him, if this was part of his "game" to get inside a girl's pants or if he was just a genuine guy. I want to know. It's bothering me because he made it seem almost as if I was perfect. No guy has ever said these many sweet things to me in one night. I mean I have heard like you're beautiful and etc. But I don't know something was different. I just can't read him. Well anyway after the night he texted me in the morning, so we could meet up that day, but with MY luck I had to leave at 3 later that day. Really fuck me. Long story short, it is no longer. He stopped making the effort. And I'm just sad thinking about it now because now he is in Santa Barbara. And then Italy for a year. Fuck. Goodbye Ben. I do not know your last name, but have a wonderful life. Maybe if it is meant to be you will come back to me in a year. Weird to think about, but maybe it will happen.

Sitting here, thinking about my college life really gets me to have a mix of emotions. But mostly positive. I think as corny or cliche as this sounds... music really explains me. I have literally have a song for every huge moment in my life. I made a playlist of all of them and am currently listening to it.

Here it is:
"My Thinking Songs Playlist"

1. Working Poor by Horse Feathers
2. Anthems of a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
3. Creature Fear by Bon Iver
4. Tunnelvision by Here We Go Magic
5. Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap
6. Staring at the Sun by Tv On the Radio
7. Someone to Keep Us Warm by The Silent Years
8. Eat Yourself (Yeasayer Remix) by Goldfrapp
9. Boneless (Panda Remix) by The Notwist
10. Be Good To Them Always by The Books
11. No One Does It Like You by The Department Of Eagles
12. Like Spinning Plates by Radiohead
13. Colorado by Grizzly Bear
14. My Body Is a Cage by The Arcade Fire
15. Because by The Beatles
16. Ah. Weir by Yeasayer
17. Walking by The Dodos
18. Red & Purple by The Dodos
19. Stillness is the Move by The Dirty Projectors
20. Re:stacks by Bon Iver
21. White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes
22. Take Time by The Books
23. All for the Best by Thom Yorke

Helps me think straight.

Eeeeek..

I move into my San Jose Suite. I'm 60% stoked and 40% not wanting to leave my Thousand Oaks life behind.

It's actually coming..

The days are finally buckling down, and I don't know what to think about it. My last days are made up of me cramming to see everyone for one last time and packing my whole life up into boxes. Recently, some things have happened that i have yet to share with you. I hooked up with one of my close friends SOAPS (cory). I didn't really see this coming until my trip to Santa Barbara. We went to the park with a bunch of our friends to see the meteor shower and little did I know the whole night cory wanted me. It did make feel good about myself, knowing i can still get guys after Jimmy. We hooked up at the park and again at his house, Things happened which I will not share because they are way too personal. Anyway, This weekend schedule (you ready): Friday-At 1:30 lunch with thomas, at 3 hang with Brenda, at 7 hang with Arielle and Linds. Saturday(the intense boy day)- lunch with dance team girls, at 3ish coffee or something with JIMMY, and finally the griffith with CORY. Sunday- mostly shopping and such for college, and later at night bri is having a go away party at her house for her. Finally monday- breakfast with marika, and pack the WHOLE DAY. I leave tuesday. AH!

Im stressing out :(

The day after...

Lets just say I had an intense time at Santa Barbara. I went to a house show where many indie kids and hipsters hung out and drank. Overall, it was a fun, eventful night. Especially when I had 3 guys all over me. I'm starting to enjoy the single life finally. But I got no sleep. So my day consisted of me not feeling well, sleeping until 5:45, and basically getting nothing done. I had to get a lecture when I woke up from my mom about how I wasn't getting myself prepared for college. blah blah blah. I went out to dinner with my friend Arielle and we caught up and chatted about our lives during the summer. I had to tell the long boyfriend story, which was kind of annoying..but I dealt with it. After our two hour long conversation, one of my friend's Travis came in and introduced me to his friends as Jimmy's girlfriend. That's when I awkwardly had to say, "ex-girlfriend." It was kind of funny the shock that appeared on his face because seriously no one saw it coming. Anyway, after my lovely dinner I picked up Zak and we met up with Cory. We decided to be spontaneous and drive down to Diddy Riese in LA.

mmmm. love 'em coooookies

"We can do this on our own.."

From their very own mouths, I witnessed the band The Dodos, belt out these words of wisdom in front of my eyes. As I sit here, I'm reviewing the days activities. It began with lack of sleep due to my new macbook and ended with wanting something. The day started off with waking my lazy self up around 7 A.M. to help/sell things at my friends garage sale. Arrived around 9, carrying 3 bags of clothing in one hand and my lethal weapon to my body in the other (coffee). Little quick history, I can't drink coffee because I have a condition where I can't have certain foods. And yet coffee is my addiction. I'll say farewell my wonderful life, just because of coffee. Anyway, that's beside the point. Carrying on to this so called garage sale. I never really understood the concept of why they name this activity a "garage sale" when all of the items to buy are outside the garage. Weird to comprehend, but whatever. I made up to 30 bucks with the clothes I sold, yippee! That will be gone within a week knowing me, I do have a tendency to buy too much random junk. After the garage sale which lasted from 8 to 2; Chris, Zak, and I decided to take a dip in the pool because it was too hot outside. Before coming into the pool, my friend Linds and Kim got there just in time for Chris to leave to go on a walk with his girlfriend. Once Chris came back, you could tell something was up with the expression on his face. He later revealed to the gang, that Chris is now on a break with his girl. After our heartbroken friend cheered up, we met up at Bri's house to go to the Getty Museum to see the one and only Dodos. We arrived earlier than expected and we had some time to kill. But as we entered the museum, I thought I saw my ex and my stomach dropped. Little did I know that was not him at all. We looked through the impressionists and the photography exhibit, which I thought were mesmerizing. When I'm at a museum, I'm either bored or taken in by the art. The whole time, I was trying to flirt with Chris so when my ex and his clan arrived, I could make him jealous. But I was really frustrated because Bri kept getting in the way and Zak would get easily jealous. I kind of got over it. Linds, Bri, Zak, Chris, and myself waited for everyone else to show as we stood in the midst of a crowd, pushing our way to get close to the stage. As soon as my ex got there, for some reason something clicked in Chris to start flirting with me, and it was perfect. Thank you Chris. My stomach only dropped a little because this was the first time I had seen him in person since we broke up. Which was last Saturday. Out of my ex's group, I hugged him first. Let me please just describe to you this hug. As I went up to HIM to give HIM a welcoming hug, he didn't even look at me and the hug was the most limp/half ass shit ever. I need to get over him. The show overall was great, but the band played many news songs I had not made myself familiar with yet. But still great show. After the performance, Zak informed MY group of a party at our friend Casey Kell's house. Thrilled to do something in spite of my ex, I get there and it's just another house show for Nobody Wave and other bands. I was bored. The day was decent though, but I'm thinking too much about the ex.

Help me! When I look at him, it's not the same person I feel like I dated for almost 8 months. Did he really change within a week? These past couple weeks have been going by pretty fast and now they are beginning to slowing down, when for once I want them to speed up. I need sleep, Goodnight world.

Searching for the new...

I'm starting over. For the better of course..I have to remember how to make a whole new group of friends. I need to look past the awkward small talks people have to go through to trust and get to know one another. This will lead to great friendships even though it can be uncomfortable to step out of your shell and meet people. I'm scared, yet motivated to leave. I will miss the friends who I spent my whole life with, the ones I went to in time of need, the people who comforted me when my father passed away, and I'm scared to loose touch with them. That's my main fear.

A week ago from today, I broke up with the boy I loved. It was mutual and probably the best break up I have ever had. But still something is getting to me. Maybe it is the fact I can't say something that will ruin our "best friendship." I literally just Ichatted with him probably an hour ago, and that was the first I had seen his face since the break up. As he sent me the request to video chat, my stomach had nervous butterflies. You know like the ones you get when you first start liking someone. That crushed me to have that feeling again because for the whole week of being single, I have been absolutely fine and did not think of it. The wonderful thing about myself is..I get over things quickly. But with this i guess it's a little harder when a boy I went out with for almost 8 months is out of my life. I want to call him, I want to say I love you, I want to hold his hand, cuddle, and even kiss him. The reason of our break up was because of college next year. I guess everything thing happens for a reason and I hope I find someone in San Jose.

My main message in this post is "life goes on.."
but I just have to learn how to accept it.

Bye my friends I grew up and matured with and good bye my sweet James Frederick Moore III, I will miss you the most and just know as corny as this is..I probably will always love you.